Can't Get Out of What I'm Into
I have this idea that I want to say something about being locked in a shell. I want to make reference to life in Chicago, pepper it with some Liz Phair stories (like how I waited on her for lunch a couple times a month, rocked out to her with my roommate, and had to listen to my then-boyfriend at EMI complain about how she didn't want to tour and how she was pissing everyone at the record label off) and then move on to subtly explain about the paradigm shift that's been required for me to make peace with my new life in the Navy. And I want to thoughtfully explore how that shift, that is necessary for my survival, has divorced me from the rocking woman I was. I want it to be OK for me to be angry. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "EVERY DAY I MAKE DO. EVERY DAY I PLEAD WITH MYSELF TO FOCUS ON THE SILVER LINING. EVERY DAY I SPEND MY TIME MAKING LIFE A LITTLE BETTER FOR THE PEOPLE I WORK WITH AND NOW I WANT YOU ALL TO LOOK AT ME AND UNDERSTAND THAT I HATE IT". Maybe it's all about my dad and I'm too short sighted to figure that out so I'm picking on the easy target. But I'm lonely. The last four months have been some of the loneliest I can remember. And I'm sad. I'm not excited for anything that's coming in the next two years.
posted by Jessica at 12:25
3 Comments:
You want it to be OK for you to be angry? Who's stopping you? Maybe you are stopping yourself because you realize you don't really have anything to be angry about. Did anyone force you to join the Navy? Is this purgatory someone else's fault? You have a respectable job which provides your daily needs and is more than many people in this world have. Maybe its time for you to take some responsibility for your own happiness instead of waiting for it to just happen to you. Stop looking back nostalgically at earlier times and stop waiting for the future to arrive--it never does. Take a deep breath and embrace the moment. Your life is better that 90% of this world's population and you react by wanting it to be OK to be angry. Grow up.
I was surprised by your note. You're right, of course. I don't know what to say except that I'll take that deep breath.
Grow Up is the right advice. Lately I've been nostalgic for Chicago the same way friends are nostalgic for games of kick-the-can: It's a time before anything disappointing.
Thank you.
A note to Don re: the first comment on this post,
Do I know you, and if so, could you please tell me how? And if not, do you really spend your time ragging on strangers?
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