Pretty vs. Bulky
The weekend offers some welcome insulation from my weekday work life, but it’s not airtight. I live in on-base housing so the occasional military reminder is never too far away. As an example, the Star Spangled Banner wakes me every weekend morning at 8 am. I usually manage to fall back asleep for at least another 30 minutes so it’s really no big deal. But, since I’m writing about the separation between work and home, the 8 am national anthem is worth a passing mention. And the pedestrians in uniform are a subtle reminder. And the dorky super short jarhead-style high-and-tight haircuts some of the men choose to sport always put me in a military frame of mind. I see those haircuts everywhere: the gas station, the movies, Starbucks.
None of this should be a problem, and really it isn’t. For me it’s a question of identity. I identify more strongly with me away from work than me at work. It’s the image I like to project. So when I get a poke in my ribs in the form of a motivated haircut at the grocery store it reminds me of what my life really is and I don’t always feel so comfortable. My discomfort has a way of morphing into frustration.
Identity is big. I mean really big. It’s huge. It’s why millions of girls want to be models and not mathematicians. It’s why boys tend to shy away from dolls but happily turn any stick into a gun. And it makes the next two questions obvious:
How would I like people to perceive me?
Pretty
Smart
Competent
Logical
Warm
Approachable
Capable
Adaptable
Feminine
How do I fear people perceive me?
Odd
Bulky
Uninteresting
Masculine
Belligerent
Clumsy
Average
Disappointing
There’s that Woody Allen quote about not wanting to be a part of any club that would have you as a member. I forget how it goes exactly but it might come pretty close to summing up the problem here. I’m not always excited to be associated with the Seabees because my image of Seabees goes hand in hand with my list of everything I’m afraid I am and don’t want to be.
None of this should be a problem, and really it isn’t. For me it’s a question of identity. I identify more strongly with me away from work than me at work. It’s the image I like to project. So when I get a poke in my ribs in the form of a motivated haircut at the grocery store it reminds me of what my life really is and I don’t always feel so comfortable. My discomfort has a way of morphing into frustration.
Identity is big. I mean really big. It’s huge. It’s why millions of girls want to be models and not mathematicians. It’s why boys tend to shy away from dolls but happily turn any stick into a gun. And it makes the next two questions obvious:
How would I like people to perceive me?
Pretty
Smart
Competent
Logical
Warm
Approachable
Capable
Adaptable
Feminine
How do I fear people perceive me?
Odd
Bulky
Uninteresting
Masculine
Belligerent
Clumsy
Average
Disappointing
There’s that Woody Allen quote about not wanting to be a part of any club that would have you as a member. I forget how it goes exactly but it might come pretty close to summing up the problem here. I’m not always excited to be associated with the Seabees because my image of Seabees goes hand in hand with my list of everything I’m afraid I am and don’t want to be.
posted by Jessica at 20:20
3 Comments:
Hey Jessica - followed your link from my blog :-)
It's interesting to think of how other people perceive you. I hope I come across as warm, funny and interesting but I'm sure someone out there thinks of me as a loudmouth bitch :P
you bring to light a common insecurity among women ~ I would like to be perceived as loving, intelligent, nurturing and creative.
most of the time I feel that people see me as homely, stupid and needy.
but don't be fooled. you are more your wish list than you choose to believe.
You are a friend.
Thank you.
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