Green Dreams

I thought I was over the guilt of not going to the field exercise. I really did. But I’ve had vivid dreams about me, the field exercise, and failure for two nights so I must be clinging to some residual guilt. In last night's installment I was supposed to be a foreword observer. I was late (a BIG deal for me) to go relieve the guy already out there because I wasn’t prepared: my canteens weren’t full. My squad leader (EA1) scolded me condescendingly and reminded me that the sloshing of the water would alert the enemy to my position. The canteens were filled (I’m not sure how, it was one of those magic things that just happens in dreams) and I realized I didn’t know where to go. In a tone that communicated disappointment EA1 gave me incomplete directions and I headed off trying to figure out where exactally I was supposed to be. When I finally arrived to relieve the class leader from his watch he shook his head at me like I was a small child. I assumed the watch with my tail between my legs and after 12 hours had passed it was time for me to relieve someone else. I didn’t know his location either and several people noticed and were annoyed that I was so disorganized. My second location turned out to be on a wooded hill overlooking the ocean. I recognized it as Annette Island in Alaska where I worked on the road project last summer. This time I knew how to get where I was going. I was so relieved. I hiked through the woods and the rain and when I came close to the lookout I found about 12 people, who had arrived before me, huddled inside a room keeping themselves dry. I knew they were cheating because they were supposed to be out in the rain standing watch. But I joined them anyway. I stood in the huddle, made no motion to leave, and felt guilty that I wasn’t doing my job.

I need to find a way to kick this guilt. I'm on my way to PT. Maybe I'll try and run it out.